The Ten Commandments of Adulthood

Last week, I turned 29 years old. I am starting to realize that I no longer really fit into the category of “Young Adult” and have officially graduated into the territory of “Regular Adult”, which is sometimes just referred to as “Adult”. This is kind of terrifying to me, because I have recently learned that, while I have many of the basics of adulthood nailed down (think, feeding yourself and bathing semi-regularly), the more subtle nuances of being a grownup are more or less lost on me. This becomes very apparent when my parents come to visit, because they have made a few more trips around the sun than I have and have apparently picked up a few little nuggets of wisdom along the way. Maybe some of you will read this and think to yourself, “Uhh…who doesn’t know that?” but I felt that some of this advice was worth sharing with those of you who find yourself baffled by the intimidating world of the adult human.

1. Thou Shalt Not Ask Thine Guests to Blow Their Noses on Toilet Paper. 

It is imperative that you have a box of tissues on each toilet in your house. Apparently, toilet paper is scratchy and thin and may be acceptable to use on your rear, but not your face. If you are cheap, like me, you can skimp out on your ensuite toilet, but that is the only one.

2. Thou Shalt Not Wash Thine Dishes Under the Running Water.

This is wasteful and not the most effective method of cleaning your dinnerware. If you don’t have a sink plug that works properly and are unwilling to buy one yourself, you can wait 5 years and eventually your parents might break down and get one for you, like mine did.

3. Thou Shalt Not Mix Thine Underwear With Thine Dishcloths in the Laundry

Ok, I don’t do this all the time, but sometimes when I’m too lazy to go through the laundry piece by piece, the odd pair of Saxx sneaks in with the towels. Some might call this disgusting. I call it one less load of laundry.

4. Thou Shalt Not Have an Empty Fridge When Thine Guests Arrive

One of the best parts about going home to my parents’ is raiding their fridge. My brother has the good fortune of living in the same city as our mom and dad, and is able to drop by for dinner any time he doesn’t feel like grocery shopping. I, on the other hand, have to wait until we make the 3 hour drive down to visit. I’m not certain that their excitement to come and see what delicious goodies my refrigerator holds is reciprocated, as my fridge frequently resembles that of Old Mother Hubbard.

5. Thou Shalt Not Forget to Bleach Thine Towels Once in a While

Otherwise, they begin to take on the scent of what can only be described as “sour ass”.

6. Thou Shalt Not Wipe Thine Child’s Face With a Paper Towel

See Tissue Paper/Toilet Paper note above. After meals, it is more appropriate to have a designated set of baby face cloths accessible to wash your child’s face unless you want to establish a lifelong phobia of paper towels in your infant.

7. Thou Shalt Not Expect Thine Father to Know How to Open the Baby Wipes in a Moment of Poop-Induced Panic

If your dad is changing your baby’s diaper blow out, you can be fairly confident that, since he hasn’t done this in approximately 27 years, he may be a little rusty. It is important to have all of the necessary tools ready and waiting for use, or, at the very least, to provide him with a helpful demonstration similar to the one given prior to takeoff on an airplane.

8. Though Shalt Own Semi-Appropriate Stemware For Drinking Wine

There was a time in my life when I rarely drank wine, and purchasing wine glasses seemed like such an extraneous expense. As I recently discussed with a friend of mine, becoming a mom is apparently synonymous with becoming a wine connoisseur, and with that awakening comes the realization that wine + regular drinking glass = bad. Recently, I splurged and purchased some lovely crystal wine glasses from The Bay to rectify this situation. Just kidding, my in-laws were throwing out some of their stuff from Ikea, and I quickly snatched it up before it hit the trash can. Either way, my wine-drinking experience has certainly improved.

9. Thou Shalt Purge Thine Child’s Closet of the Clothes That are Too Small

The importance of this becomes most obvious when your parents are visiting and attempt to  dress your child and he makes his first appearance of the day wearing a midriff-bearing crop top and sweat pants that are three sizes too big.

10. Thou Shalt Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother

This is a real Commandment that I didn’t have to make up myself. Each day, I realize more and more how important my parents are, not just to me, but to my son and my husband as well. I’m probably not the only one who spent a lot of time as an adolescent rolling my eyes at the advice my parents tried to give me, but am starting to understand how helpful some of that stuff really is. I’m incredibly thankful that my parents taught me everything from how to make Mac and Cheese to how to save my money for a rainy day. Without them, my houseguests would be wiping their runny noses on their sleeves and drying themselves on nasty-smelling towels after a shower, so I have a lot to be thankful for – and if you’re coming to stay at my house, so do you.

xox k

Got any nuggets of your own?! I’d love to hear ’em in the comments!

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