The Aspring Sleeper: My Failed Attempts at Getting a Full 8 Hours

Last night, I slept like a baby.

Please let me be clear about what I mean by that. I am not referring to the sweet sleep of a newborn who can snooze through the sound of you interrogating your mom about diaper rashes on speakerphone while vacuuming and watching Law and Order (SVU, obviously).

What I am referring to is the kind of sleep that happens to a baby when they are approximately 16 weeks of age. Have you heard of the 4 month sleep regression? Yeah. Neither had I, until Beckett was about 14 weeks and everything we had previously celebrated about the long(er) stretches of sleep we were getting came to a screaming halt. Literally. Sleep no longer lasted for any predictable span of time and it was anyone’s guess at what hour our little party animal would decide to pack it in and call it a night. It was simply wonderful.

This is actually not a blog post about the 4 month sleep regression, though. This is a post about the multi month (year?) sleep regression – the one that affects moms/dads/regular people who just can’t seem to figure out how to actually clock a solid night’s sleep. And we think babies are bad? Please.

Like any parent, I sometimes enjoy sharing the woes of not getting enough sleep because of my baby to anyone who will listen. However, now that my baby sleeps pretty regularly through the night (because he finally realized that we needed to come to some sort of compromise in our relationship regarding this matter), I have come to the very unfortunate realization that 95% of the time, the only person I have to blame for my lack of sleep is me. The main reason for this is due to the fact that the average night for me looks something like this:

7:00 – Goodnight kisses and stories for my sweet little angel. I hope he doesn’t wake me up tonight, teehee!

7:02 – If babies could swear, he would be swearing at me right now. I’m sure he knows that once he goes to bed, it’s popcorn time (this is not a weird metaphor for anything. I literally mean that we will be eating popcorn because it’s basically a nightly ritual for Stu and I).

7:09 – Sweet, sweet silence. Which activity shall I partake in first? Oh yeah. Dishes.

7:40 – Dishes are done. Like I said, popcorn time. Now, will it be popcorn with a side of Netflix, or should I try to accomplish something on my blog? I know, I’ll play a pointless game on my phone while watching Netflix and eating popcorn.

8:30 – That was quite entertaining. I’ll  write something now.

9:00 – I still haven’t actually written anything, but at least I changed the font colour to a really captivating new shade of coral.

9:19 – What’s new on Facebook? Instagram? Pinterest? Snapchat? Yahoo News? MSN Messenger? ICQ? MySpace? Help, I’m lost in a time warp.

10:30 – Ok, I’m gonna write that blog post.

11:00 – Well, two sentences is a pretty good start. I guess I should get ready for bed.

11: 17 – Ughhh why do I have to floss? (Because I want to impress my hygienist at my next dental appointment, that’s why)

11:30 – If I fall asleep in 10 minutes I can get a good 6 or 7 hours before Beckett wakes up. Maybe he’ll sleep in tomorrow! (He won’t.)

11:58 – Are all of our finances in order? Did we pay the power bill? Speeding ticket? Mortgage?

12:30 – Why does the pillow feel like that under my face? Has it always been so firm and poky?

12:40 (almost asleep) – Oh good, here comes the cat to share my pillow. Her hind leg is now resting upon my ear. This is very comfortable.

12:47 – Excellent. The other cat has decided to join us. I now have 2 square inches of pillow.

12:50 – Make that 1 square inch. Stu’s hand is now also on the pillow.

12:53 – Stu is now talking about hamburgers in his sleep.

1:00 – I want a hamburger.

1:20 – Thank you, Lord. I have drifted off to sleep.

4:42 – JUST KIDDING, IM AWAKE. But I’ll be going back to sleep momentarily.

4:59 – I wonder how many galaxies there are in the universe.

5:15 – Now I am having an existential crisis thinking about time and that song “7 Years” which really depresses me although I also find it very catchy.

5:34 – When should we have our next baby? What will we name it if it’s a boy? What if it’s a girl? I hope Beckett doesn’t get jealous when he meets baby Ringo. Aghhh please go to sleep.

5:45 – Drifting off again…yes!

6:45 – GOOD MORNING, MOM, IT IS I, YOUR PRECIOUS SON. I AM READY TO BEGIN ANOTHER FUN-FILLED DAY TOGETHER. SHALL I PUT ON THE COFFEE?

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who goes through this. Even though I know in my exhausted heart that I should really get myself on a schedule and stick to it, my brain just has so much to say between the hours of about 9:00 PM and midnight, and I can’t seem to shut it off. Even when I finally force myself to go to bed, my thoughts are still in overdrive and pick right back where they left off if I happen to wake up in the middle of the night. This is something that I need to work on in a big way.

What tips do you have for this Aspiring Sleeper and all the others out there like me? Do you have a bedtime ritual that you swear by? A magic potion that helps you to lull your brain off to sleep? I’d love to hear them in the comments!

xox k